clothing adjustments that need to happen
"I want you to touch me without having to touch me."
"I am not comfortable
in my own skin;
But I am trying
to be. Damn it,
I am trying to be."
Late night thoughts…
Can be dangerous, especially for people like me, and if you’re reading this, you probably feel the same way. Blogs are so weird, I mean in reality I’m the friend you go to with your problems, not the other way around, even on other social media sites you’ll never see post about fighting with my parents or boyfriend, and hear me talk about how much having anxiety sucks; but here it’s like a release, and I think we all feel that way, that no matter if anyone reads it, likes it, or even reblogs it, it’s just a release.
So here be my thoughts…
Have you ever regretted something you didn’t want to regret? Well so far, that’s been my life. I’ll save the sob stories for a more depressing night, but really whoever said to live with no regrets must be living the high life. Sometimes I’m not sure if that’s just the anxiety making me worry and regret..or…if it’s really how I feel. You see, I gave away something really precious to someone who was precious to me, but it turns out I’m not the same in their eyes. Have you ever felt that? That piece of you someone takes away and then tears it to pieces? I guess I’m talking about heartbreak…but my heart isn’t broken because he’s left me or because he doesn’t care…it’s about what he’s taken. My regret started by me making three mistakes….
The worst part is, I never realized who I really was to him till now, which sucks because everything that he did to hurt me is “in the past” so I guess I’m suppose to just forgive and forget since he’s a changed man. Right. That’s where I come to a dead end. For a almost a year and a half of our almost three year relationship, I was nothing but a pretty face and a late night lover. You see this boy well, he had me in the palm of his hand. Mistake number one.
I guess I can stop being vague, he talked to tons of other girls for that year and a half and in a way obsessed over his ex, while assuring me he hated her… yeah right. After two weeks of us dating, he told me he loved me and said he wanted to spend his life with me ( this was not a proposal) and that he wanted no one else but me..And I believed him. Mistake number two.
And so after believing that I was his One and that he was mine, I gave him everything, something I promised not to do until I was with my husband, which I presume to be him. And now here I am…smashed into pieces because I trusted someone with something that he should of never gotten.
You’re probably confused if you’re reading this because I didn’t go into extreme detail, but if you did follow my thoughts you’re probably wandering Why in the world are with that guy still?! Simple, because I love him. I mean I thought I did, until I discovered who he really was, and that made me hate him for everything he’s done to me. But, and you probably won’t believe me, but I don’t really care, but he has changed, but to me he’s always been who he is now, and that’s a challenge for me, because I love him, but I hate him at the same time because I’m still unsure of a lot of things.
But I guess that’s the funny thing about relationships, you love them even when you hate them. And that’s why I’m not giving up just because things are hard now doesn’t mean they’ll always be…right?….Even if forgiving him takes a lifetime, I’m going to work at it every day until I learn how to trust not just him, but people in general.
If anything, just get this out of m boring rant-story-thing, If you love something don’t let it go, fight for it, don’t let be a regret that you regret.
I hate that I love you.